I walked out a champion

So I have decided to share some stories from my past on the weeks there hasn’t been anything interesting enough to share. Hopefully this will let me continue typing without having huge breaks in between my posts.

About two weeks ago, I met up with a friend of mine to try to show her around the college that we go to. After a solid day out around the town taking in the sites it was time to head on home. My friend had parked her car in the Lloyd Center Mall parking lot, so being the nice guy that I am (I was headed that same direction anyway), I decided to at least walk her to her car. Luckily the parking lot is right along the max lines so we could ride most of the way there. Unlucky for me about the same time I stepped foot on to the Max, it felt like another max slammed directly into my colon.

Instantly I knew what the situation was. Either I could be a gentleman and walk this young lady to her car to make sure she got there safely while possibly also blowing an O-ring and losing control of my bowels, or I could try to find the nearest bathroom ASAP. Being the fine, upstanding, young gentlemen that I am, I decided it was in both of our best interests if I walked her to her car just to be safe.

Getting her to her car safely turned out to be fairly easy and non-eventful, but the moment she pulled away another train came along and slammed into my guts sending me into a quick panic. Looking in my general area I decided the best course of action was try to make my way to the mall across the street and, try to locate one of their facilities in time. The walk to the street corner to cross the road was steadily getting harder and harder as the pressure mounted. And by the time I hit the street corner where normally people beg you for change; it was easy to see something was up. Even the street people could see that it was time to steer clear, and thankfully I made it across the street O-ring intact without being molested by the needy. By the time I hit the main entrance of the mall the situation was becoming increasingly dire

Finally making my way into the mall every inch became a struggle. If I were being timed it was probably taking me about 10 minutes or so to move one square foot tile that was laid out on the floor. It was a few inches of movement for a few minutes of extreme clenching. By the time I even made it to the facilities I was looking like I had walked through a monsoon, I was completely drenched, But to spare the finer details of what took place, as I walked out of there I felt like I had just done something astonishing, I felt like a champion.

Moth Balls and Romance Novels

For those of you that do not know. I use the public transit system here in Portland, Oregon. I use it pretty much to just get back and forth from home to college. That means that I get up extra early so I can at ride the Max for an hour to class and an hour back once classes are over. For the most part the Max is wonderful but the people that frequent it not always so much….

Today I learned what the smell of death actually smelt like. It’s a strange mixture of moth balls, cat urine, and dust. I got this wonderful lesson today because an 80 year old woman took the seat next to mine on the train this morning. In a practically empty train she just happened to want to sit right next to me. No, she couldn’t sit in any of the other available seating which just happened to have more available seating next to it; it just had to be the seat right next to me. A practically fully empty section of the train and apparently the most inviting seat was the one next to mine.

Ok. So she wanted the seat. Maybe she just wanted to rub elbows with me. Maybe that seat actually had her name on it and I couldn’t be bothered enough to check it before sitting next to it. Maybe she just wanted to start early on the never ending battle for personal space that is public transportation. Or maybe the real reason is just that the book she was reading was so awesome to her she just had to share it right then and there.

Further along into our ride once the train was pretty packed and I was struggling to find something to stare at that wasn’t the person across from me, my eyes wondered onto her book. It was that at that moment that I realized that yet once again that in which has been seen cannot be unseen, but to expand that statement, that which has been thought cannot be unthought (take that Webster’s). The first line that I noticed on the page was, “it must be the sex talking”. Vomit… The leady of with the death stench was reading a romance novel. I am not sure which wanted to make me vomit more, the dusty cat urine covered moth balls, or the thought of if even this lady’s pipes still worked.

Welcome Back!

My name is Joshua and this is my blog. I first started to blog just about my random list of hobbies but since I never really found time to get into them too deeply I’ve decided to share the rest of my mostly humorous life with the world. Be prepared for many random rants aimed at everything from our lovely public transportation system, to my random battles with IBS.